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(no subject) [Nov. 21st, 2007|12:13 am]

New LJ...

well.  Ish.

I've had it since August.

It's friends only,   Just comment if you want on.

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3 Libras [Jul. 26th, 2007|10:11 pm]

"Up until the mid twentieth century the mountain gorilla was considered a myth. Oddly enough, a legend not unlike bigfoot or the loch ness monster. The chance of actually seeing/experiencing this elusive shadow was as likely as finding ones soulmate.


Even once discovered they seemed unapproachable. The only way to get close to this magnificent creature was to become empathetic. Abandon all pretense and preconceptions.

To bare an open throat.
To collapse into the arms of vulnerability.

All but extinct, these beings/moments are threatened by the black hearted.

The cold and oblivious.
The empty eyed profit seekers that overlook these




This is an absolutely incredible... try to figure this out for yourself :) amazing pertinence to what the song means in terms of love, in terms of love...

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Familiar. As. The. Evening. [Jul. 26th, 2007|10:16 am]
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Current Music |APC]

She is my woman, she belongs in my apartment.
Feed her the food I find in my glove compartment.
Hugging turns to kissing, kissing turns to love, 
love, like the drugstore, it's never enough.
I try on her dress, she tries on mine.
Something close to pass the time.

Hugging turns to kissing,
Kissing turns to throbbing, pushing and more throbbing.

Heh.   What a strange accident that was.
Is someone trying to tell me something?
If so, who and what?
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(no subject) [Jul. 26th, 2007|01:14 am]
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Do You Think The Earth Can Survive? [Jul. 25th, 2007|11:00 pm]
[Current Mood |coldcold]
[Current Music |Gold Lion]

I almost did two really stupid things today.
I am ashamed for even thinking about it.

I am not kidding.  I really hate my life.
Considering how shit-fucked this year has been, I think I've done well dealing.

Have ya ever wanted to just say how absolutely empty you really feel,
but there are no words to justify what that emptiness means?

I suppose you could take something/someone you're passionate about and use it as fuel to keep goin'.

Trust, is a relationship of alliance, wouldn't you agree?
Trust is like a prediction of reliance on an action.

Which reminds me of fate.

The inevitability of fate.  
Like Romeo and Juliet, they are fated never to be together.
In attempting to defy this fate, they unsure it.

What should I believe in?
Is all this meant to happen?  Am I suppose to reach the divine?
Have I really been reincarnated?  
If so, how old is my soul?

Fuck.  I want to understand.
  Such a thirst for things that can't truly be explained.

Lets say some things you can't ignore, like,  "Hey, I love you."
...And I do.  I will keep saying it as long as I feel it.  Fuck keeping it in.

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Jesus Hates Sinners and Faggots. [Jul. 25th, 2007|12:00 am]
[Current Mood |uncomfortableuncomfortable]
[Current Music |:Wumpscut:]

Stop lookin' at me that way.
I feel awkward and unfit.

You're always too quiet.
Sometimes I feel like the narrator of a short , fast-paced book.
I'm there.  I listen, I can tell you the story, I always remember.

I'm being overun by parasitic beings.
My stomache has turned inside out.

Oh man.   That one feeling when you're outside.  You're completely alone.
You get to stop.   close your eyes and take it in.
  I don't really give a fuck if you don't get it.

But, but, I like to live through feelings, my senses.  
If you don't  take the time to enjoy things, to touch things, to smell, 
then what have you ever really experienced?
  I know what makes my heart beat faster.
I know not to touch something too hot.
   I know that time doesn't wait.

Maybe I think too much?
Maybe not enough.

There is so much wasted time.
How do you stop it?
I am here right now.  I'm writing in this journal like I have for the last,
I don't know, four years?
  The colors never get any brighter,  what I'm trying to say never gets heard.

Speaking of that,   are you listening to me?
You know, I don't say those words so easily.

Why do I even bother writing this.
I can't even say the right things when I need to.
Oh my fuck, take it away.
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Wonderful Electric. [Jul. 22nd, 2007|07:13 pm]
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Current Music |tegan and sara <3]


Alot to say, too hard to sum up into words.
I shall try and break this down.

I have been here before.
I know I'm not going to end up a very happy girl if I keep letting this happen.
But I can't help it, it feels so good when I have it.
Yeah uhm... fuck you,  you don't understand, you have always been on the other side.

My mother is selling out house.
It makes me sad.  I haven't lived there for quite some time, but it's still going to feel like I'm losing something dear.  I guess it's kinda like the last thing that was holding my, shall I say family, somewhat together.
Eh....  I want so badly to have a family.  I can't do everything on my own, as much as I'de like to think I can.
I can't afford much, I don't have very many good friends.  Come to think about it, Most of the rest of my family don't even live here.   Sucks spending special days alone.

Okay, I'm done complaining.  I just really want a home again.

Work has been really good for me.   I got my raise finally, which helps alot, alot.
Plus I really like workin' there.  I like not working the same chedule day after day.

How do you stop yourself from doing something you love so much?
I have it bad.   I don't do drugs, and I get addicted to other things.  Fantastic eh?
Yeah I know how you feel.

I miss the familiar.

A few of my favorite words.

It's strange to think I love when things are stable and stay the same, but at the same time I'm always longing for a change.  Where is my balance? I dunno, I'm tired of not knowing where I'm going.
Trading my old shoes for new feet.

He knows.   He always has.  I love him for it.
So patient he waits, always understanding.  Maybe he knows something I don't?

I really hope she believes in it like I do.  
I really hope she is feeling what I am.
I really hope she stays.

Peanut Butter.

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(no subject) [Jul. 20th, 2007|05:05 pm]
[Current Music |Christfuck]




Look, I'm still here.

Hey, you're all I Have.
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(no subject) [Jul. 9th, 2007|11:04 am]
I feel sick and I want to die.
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(no subject) [Jul. 6th, 2007|06:59 pm]
Walk out of the decaying house, too dirty, too dark to ever call a home.
There are bugs in my body.   They turn my blood to water, help me satisfy the drought.
Too many times have I fallen asleep in the dirt.  I keep telling myself that it won't happen again.
Quickly, tell me you love me, and I might last a few more hours.

The two-faced cat is as hungry as I.
Patches.  Much more vocal now.

Cobwebs in the dusty shrubbery.
Am I waiting for you to come home?
Am I waiting to finally wake up and have a family again?

I would give anything for one good cry,
they come and go as quickly as you.
Parasites.  That's what it feels like.
Emotions are nothing more than dinky little annoyances.

It's not fair.
I swear life is teasing me.
Fucking with my brain.
Give me just enough to keep going,
then take it away.

I fucking hate you.
I need help.
What do I do?
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(no subject) [Jul. 6th, 2007|05:45 pm]
Fucking hate my life.
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Praying Mantis [Jul. 5th, 2007|09:23 am]
Sometimes I think about driving my car off a cliff.
I wonder id I'de regret it on the way down.

I know there is so much beauty to live for, I just can't seem to find it.
Don't worry, I'm not about to kill myself, I'll just be another selfish jerk like everyone else I know.

Last night was the first time I have ever seen a firework show in the city.
I was so very fucking alone.
It was my first year that I haven't been camping with my family,  we're always together at this time.
I am so sad.  Will the holidays just get harder without them?

I bet I looked like an idiot out there, but I don't really care becuase it was one of those times
where you just come to realize all you really need is yourself.

I had a dream not last night, but the night before.
There was this praying mantis running all around me, it was all excited like a puppy.
I reached down to pet her and she grabbed my finger.  
I was trembling becuase I thought she was going to bite me.
She didn't.... she held on to my finger really tight, and when my fear went away, 
she turned into a bird and flew away.

Wierd dream eh?
I suppose it could mean something, but I'm tired of trying to find a reason for everything.

I need to go.
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Look over my shoulder silly girl. [Jul. 3rd, 2007|09:29 pm]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

Oh and also.

Back in the day when I discovered who Satan was,
Oh, you know, when I wanted everyone to know I pre-defined
my  very own hell including Satan?

You don't remember?

Well Satan has come back, and I met jesus as well.
They follow me everywhere, and I'm tired of incubating with them.
I thought the vacuum might suck them away.
tis' a lie.

Satan, he comes in many forms.
Mr. Jesus, he is harder to see.
I know he's there when my heart beats faster.

The bathroom decays at night,
and the curtains hide the sun, the enemy.

That is all.
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Souls? [Jul. 3rd, 2007|08:31 pm]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |Sleepwalking]

There are tiny shards of fiber glass clinging to the insides of my oral cavity.
My lungs have been pumped full of the thouands of tiny intrusive pieces.

So much for being a donor.  Kill whats keeping you alive.
The new self-destructive extremist.

Tiny burns on my skin serve as constant reminders that I am here, 
and yes, things are fucked up.

Tap, tap.  Foot.  Tap, tap.

Patches.  Hello there Buddy.... I know.  I know.
Thanks for keeping me company when others, such as myself are out killing time.
So fucking keen you are.   Aware.

Do you believe in witches?   
What about the Law Of Attraction?
There are so many things to try and understand.
You can become a leading expert in one subject, and become so consumed, 
you will never have the time to begin to understand my views...

It's kind of what facinates me actually.
I don't understand Narcissim.  I don't believe I ever will.
I am too in love with other people, too in love with all the beauty in the World,
to ever love myself.  I need someone else to help me do that.

I will fucking poke you with a stick to hear everything you have to say.
Clearly my motives are pure and sincere.
What is it that makes you, you?

Knowledge is the highest form of acceptance.

Did ya know that the Germanic people associated the human soul with the sea?
That is why graves are dug.  To bind the spirit to the Earth so it cannot rise again.
They believed the soul rested at the bottom of the sea.
Scary to think when I die, I might live with the fishes.  I hate.... water....

"Isaw the Master there of those who know,
Amid the philosophic family,
By all admired, and by all reverenced;
There Plato too I saw, and Socrates,
Who stood beside him closer than the rest."

--Dante--  The Divine Comedy.

Heh....  I'm bored with life.

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Bottom of a Shoe. [Jul. 2nd, 2007|07:16 pm]
[Current Mood |confusedConfizzled.]
[Current Music |Organ Donor.]


I have been doing alot of thinking.  Alot of thinking and alot of feeling...  
Eh doesn't seem to make much sense to me really, let alone to some stranger who has no idea.

I am really tired of being the nice girl.
A few months ago I didn't feel much of anything,
I only had to look out for myself.  That is the healthiest thing I've ever done for myself.
I'm falling back into one of those fucking holes.  The hole I dug.
Congrats Manda, you did it again.  I hope you feel better.

I got really drunk and layed out in the middle of the tennis court.
The fireworks were really close and so pretty.   

I'm a terrible smoker.   I have about a billion little burns all over my arms.
I bet my lungs look even better.  I don't really care.

Mal-Nugget came over and watched a movie with me.  She cut the watermelon too, 
apparently I don't do it right.  Eh.  Still tasted wonderful. Thanks kid.

Then we all went out and had dinner, so far it's been better than I thought.
We're going to see that one scary movie in a little bit.  I forgot what it's called.

My mom is a bitch.  A big bitch. 

I sorta wish I didn't have to sleep alone tonight.  
But like I have always said, Needles, smoke, and alcohol have always come before my own skin.

Why do I suck at that?

I'm going to go have a smoke.  
I hate myself for this.
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Wide Eyes, You Tremble. [Jun. 27th, 2007|03:06 pm]
[Current Mood |sicksick]
[Current Music |rebel yell]


Haven't been sleeping  again.
Manda's sick....  

So, Shyloh hadn't been feeling very well.
Lets just make it quick and say, she's going to be a mommy.
I knew something big was coming.  Still for some reason, I don't think it's over.

...And just like that things are flipped upside down.

I really hate drifting around all the time.   It's great living with Shy, I couldn't ask for a better roomie.
But, but it still doesn't feel like home, the way I thought in the beginning.
Nobody is ever here, and I feel like I'm going nowhere yet again.

The last few days have been the happiest days ever.
Kelley and I talk about having kids together, and our life.
I have never done that with anyone else.  I have never wanted anyone else's kids.
I hate when people sit and say, "They won't be both of your kids."
Of course they will.    When I get pregnant, she is going to be there, and when WE raise OUR kids,
I won't consider them anybody else's family but ours.

Fuckin' narrow minded bastards.

Tiesto is coming July 26th.   The tickets are $60.  For as much as I'de like to go, I would NEVER pay that much.
The B-52's  on  November 17th.  $35.

Reincarnation, literally "to be made flesh again", is a doctrine or mystical belief that some essential part of a living being (in some variations only human beings) survives death to be reborn in a new body. This essential part is often referred to as the Spirit or Soul, the 'Higher or True Self', 'Divine Spark', 'I' or the 'Ego' (not to be confused with the ego as defined by psychology). According to such beliefs, a new personality is developed during each life in the physical world, but some part of the being remains constantly present throughout these successive lives as well.

My tummy hurts.

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Your Skin, My Fingers. [Jun. 25th, 2007|02:03 pm]
[Current Mood |sicksick]
[Current Music |Tegan and Sara]

Scoot Scoot....

Murder, son, she's painful.

The vacuum is fixed!  Yay.

So we came up with the best idea.  Okay maybe not, it just sounds entertaining.
We are going to get the fog machine back and fill the entire apartment with it. 
Then we shall turn on all the water to hot.  Put glowsticks in the bathtub, then get drunk.
Rather pointless really.  

Oh well.

Skeeet  skeeeeeet.....

Trees are always the answer.  Duh.

Manda is really effin' bored right now.
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s u b j e c t [Jun. 24th, 2007|12:32 pm]
[Current Mood |discontentdiscontent]
[Current Music |Rose of the devils garden]

Give me release
witness me
I am outside
give me peace

Passion chokes the flower
'til she cries no more
possessing all the beauty
hungry still for more

I can't help this longing
comfort me
I can't hold it all in
if you won't let me


I am going to lose my Mom.
My Dad is not okay.  He's going to try again.  I feel it.
Something is going to happen.
Shyloh won't tell me, she knows, it's almost like she's preparing me for it.
Everytime she looks at me it's like she is crying for me.
Why does she know everything? Sometimes I think she is my Angel.

In the Law of Attraction it states...
 that people experience the corresponding 
manifestations of their predominant thoughts, feelings, words, and actions 
and that people therefore have direct control over reality and their lives through thought alone.

There has got to be something there.
Kinda like a really bad deja vu.
I get all anxious.  

And... in the back of your car I feel like I've traveled nowhere.
What will bring me home?
I don't know.

I made really awesome Margaritas last night.

I'm going to stop assuming I know everything you're thinking and doing.
I don't know what's going on,
and I think I prefer it that way.

My stomache hurts and I kinda wish 
I could still afford the pills that I would make such a huge fuss over.
This is such a drag.

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SomeTHINGSrMeant2BForgoTTen. [Jun. 15th, 2007|03:31 pm]
[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]
[Current Music |Goldfrapp]


Oh man I hate playing the waiting game.
It feels like my patience is an endless string.
I never get to the end and snap.
I'm really good at the whole patience thing.

ugh ugh ugh.

Frusterated Manda.

Oh man.   When I look back and see the type of things, the type of people I fell for.
I can see all the really lame people I had in my life, all the bullshit they pulled, the bullshit I pulled.
I'm so glad I've met someone in a completely different league.

Some people... they never grow up.  They never seem to move on.
"I've been through alot, That means I'm more mature."
No effing way.
You haven't gone through alot, until you've made it out.  Duh.

Frusterated Manda seems to not care about you anymore.
She cares about having a life.  Real things, and real people.
Past the addictions.  Past getting drunk to feel better.

God, I can breathe again.
I can feel more now.
I can wake up and say, she loves me.
Teamwork.  A family, a partnership.


Sometimes keeping quiet is the best thing you can do.
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(no subject) [Jun. 13th, 2007|03:42 pm]
I'm in love with every word you say.

And I trust you.

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